O,.. hello.... Well a lotta things has happened in the past 2 months..... actually ini hari terakhir gue bakalan berada di Jakarta and it's back to LUCT again.... 'ntah kenapa rasanya kepala gue pengen meledak...... ini lebih susah daripada yang pertama kalinya gue bakal pergi kesana.... It's just that I know I have everything that I need here and I'm just gonna go back to what's empty there........ Tadinya sih gue pengen banget roomate gue jemput gue... yah tapi gimana ya..... and I also asked some of my friends to pick me up that monday but none can seem to make it cuz I was in the last hours anyway.... Ngggg... sebenernya uda seminggu sih..... dan gue sekarang uda lupa apa yang bikin gue malah jadi ga takut untuk balik kesini sendirian....... @_@;;......
But I don't really understand myself see, kenapa di saat saat terakhir itu selalu gue yang nangis sih.... Ini untuk pertama kalinya juga ke-2 kakak gue itu cuma berdua doang nganterin kepergian gue... well, ada nyokap gue sih dan lagian di hari yang sama juga kakak gue yang paling tua, which by the way, tiba-tiba pulang dari Milan dimana gue cuma tinggal seminggu lagi di Jakarta... Gue inget banget gue sms dia beberapa hari sebelon kejadian, cuma nanya,'sis jadi pulang ga?' dan gue inget banget gue sakit soale dia jawabnya pedes banget,'gak jadi.' udah gitu doang. Bleh................ dia pulang tiba-tiba dimana gue lagi nonton Friends bareng 2 temen gue yang tadinya ada yang mau nginep dan kebetulan pintu kamar gue lagi gue buka terus dia senyum gede dan masuk ke kamar gue dari kegelapan ruang tamu,.... I was like, membelalak, stood up, and screamed, "Oh, MY, GOD!!!!!!?" WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE~~~ nante. I was so shocked and utterly happy that my face was so ugly-- my sister's best friend had to laugh about it behind her while watching me hugging her..... Oh anyway she went to Bali to meet her man... Which by the way also,I have never met before. When I went back outside to see them for the last time before I leave, I really felt that I didn't wanna go back there... Now I know how much I love my sisters. They helped me grow... They're everything. My family is everything for me.. even though I do feel sometimes that I need to yell to them then again I think it's because I care I need them to correct if something is mistaken..... deep down is really something to dig.
I mean I'd die for all those things...

�@

�@

Bulan juli lalu gue baru aja ditolak.
lagi
dan
lagi....
Ini pertama kalinya gue perlu ""menembak"" seseorang ampe 3 kali ga mati-mati juga.... and if I'm not mistaken it's already been three years since the first
""shot"" anyway...

It was nothing really, I know that in the 1st place it was just mere monkey love and I wasn't really sure that I liked him or not.... and the 2nd time was oddly a joke..... I was really sick of my college and I was really feeling lonely for not having a boyfriend in a stupid foreign country which I really need to comfort me so then I couldn't help bugging all the guys that I know asking, hey if I confess to rite now what do u say? muahahaha, and of course most of the reply, as I recall, were mostly.. "err.." "yuckh!" "whad??" "haha no thanx", etc... but there's this one who replied,.... reallyy differently. I've known this guy almost for 5 years now,.. and he's actually, err, my best "boy" friend, if I may say... We're pretty close. Up until last January we actually got together for a while again when he went back home again to Jakarta... just casual conversations but there was that one time when we were in dufan and had a really weird conversation................ Apparently he and I got a bit more close afterwards,..

on the sms when he replied, "What? Again? Ini ada hubungannya ama co yang lu taksir ya <which btw, memang ada sih waktu itu, tapi bener bener one sided love bgt....> U sure it's not just running away? This is a bit too sudden :)"

I told him, just answer la.... ngak macem macem kok.

"Hehe, I'll be very happy. But I still can say yes. Not because of you, it's because of me <honestly can't really recall what he meant back then>"

So I asked, what? 'paan tu maksudnye?

"I dunno.. lagi aga error ne.., I care about you, but I'm afraid of getting a serious relationship with a best friend."

Wait a minute, if,... you care about me, does that mean,... you like me?

"Argh! You're torturing meee! X( I guess both of them. I'd be lying if I say I dun like u."

LIKE as if infatuation or you like LIKE..........?

"Let's just say you're the only girl who I care and LIKE the most."

Well... duh of couse I'm shocked.....
I was irritatedly happy. Why am I irritated ? That sms didn't mean anything, I wasn't really asking him to be my boyfriend.... in the end I just told him how happy he made me by telling me all those wonderful things, to know that somebody at the very LEAST, likes you, is a bliss really... But I was in a place where I don't like to ask him back if those things were true and I really mean something to him, by meaning I WILL NOT say anything to him unless he says something to me 1st <which can be my ace of the proof that he really likes me> and I was not also in a place to have a long distance relationship... And he was saying that he didn't want to jeopardize of what we have now...... That moment was only on that day....... but the feeling was really left in me after a few weeks which made me really thinking about it, and, even,.... beginning to like him, truly.. Out of shyness and embarrassement I didn't sms him at all for like 2 weeks,..... he of course got worried and asked me of what my matters was and I got more even irritated because
I couldn't say anything.....

And it gets worse...
After that me got chased by pervert indian case, he sent me an e-mail.... He said after he read my blog for that case, he really felt angry and JEALOUS of the pervy-pervertson that he really wanted to come to my place when it happened.. And after me putting new pictures of me in Friendster.com on the very end of the e-mail below there's a PS: Btw lu cantik deh sekarang, there! Waiting for me to say that? :)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yes, like above, too speechless when a friend told me about the mail through my handphone <I couldn't check my e-mail for some reasons back then in a long time, anxiety urged me to plea for help..> WHYYYYYYYYYY~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!??? Why did he have to mention all those thingsss!!!!?? Of course he can't be blamed for this "DESPERATE-FOR-LOVE" pathetic ME!!!!!! I was really, completely, utterly, extremely, humongously, wholly and whatever the expressions are in thesaurus.com; happy. And to even get, "You're pretty.." him typing <well it was on e-mail, would really love it to hear it out from his mouth though.. Even tho he had mentioned that I "don't look too bad" before. *sigh*> is really something... I mean, I know this guy and it was really unexpected....

But I was really shot down by the plane when I asked him, why did you say all of those things....? He just told me that it was.... just at the moment......... <didn't mean anything> and he apologized if he made me thinking of anything................. I tried so hard to forget it,... I knew it so well that my expectations of understanding and kindness couldn't be met.... Up until now instead of focusing what I know can't be given, my best bet is to help myself and take care me and myself alone by spending as much time as possible relaxing, healing and calming any disruptive thoughts or feelings of mine.....

He held casual conversations as usual afterwards and I of course complied with the push towards my head in order not to cause any ruckus...
As I said, I didn't want to say anything.............

It was just on last July we both were heading back to Jakarta but he got to go back 1st before I did.. It crept me to think I was facing the man I've been thinking about the whole time for almost 2 months after the 2nd shot through the sms.. But I really pressed it hard that I should just keep it cool....... Well, can't say that I didn't play hard to get.... and being slutty a bit... can't also say that I always try figuring to come up with things just for a reason to see him.......... which in reality, if I know things were fine, I didn't really need a reason just to come and see him... of course something hestitated me, DUH.

But after a few while.... after several counters together........
I find myself... being composed while being in front of him.
I find myself...... being happy.. comforted....
I find myself.. beating fastly, nervous, trying not to look stupid...
I find it that I'm just the simple me when I'm with him..

I wanted to be.. something to him
I wanted to be.... a solace, a help for him to seek....
I wanted to be someone who he's comfortable with..
someone who.. he feels important, and wants to be around all the time...

I wanted him to know that I need him, and wanted to know he needs me......

I have to know...
I have to tell him.

Well I did.
Even though I did say that I WON'T say anything............ I broke it.. Even though I've had it conversated with 2 people before, even without them telling me I know I had to..
it was killing me... but in truth, even without me having to tell him................
I already knew the answer..............

Even though I was looking tough and cool admitting, "Yeah I understand, It's OK.. I know... I know......." well,.. nobody's that tough.... It's just that I kept telling myself, you're OK, you're OK, you know it so you're OK..
I'm willing to believe that I'm OK by surpressing it..........

Kepala gue ngerti.... tapi hati gue gak bisa dibilangin.... dia emang gak ada 'suka' itu ama gua.. itu cuma rasa sayang tak lebih sekali dari seorang 'teman' atau dia merasa tidak dewasa ataupun pula dia gak siap... dalem diri gue tau emang gak bakal terjadi............ gue nyalahin diri gue sendiri terus sejak itu, kenapa gue bilang lagian, padaal gue tau kok.... kembali lagi sih hati manusia ini gak tahan untuk sedikit informasi dan keinginan untuk mengetahui kalau sebuah harapan itu masih bersinar........... Sekarang uda terasa padam...

But now I know that I can't help it though,.. I realize now that I love relationships, I love to be commited to someone.... And I REALLY know that I'm not the selfish brat that I used to be in the past years... I.. REALLY.. REALLY want to be something for someone... Now that I've seen it and found it, I can't have it........ I was really selfish for being sure that something's going to happen................ it's just because I was really happy that I got blinded by the fact that things doesn't just go by yourself, you have to see the others too.... And I blame magazine horoscopes --; January told me that I'm meeting the love of my life this year. March told me that my love is coming. April told a great man born in August is appearing my way. July told me a lovely Leo moves the way today, Art & Love together!~~~~~~ CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm probably right, but no one's listening. Well that's what I thought in the past, of course no one's listening CUZ I NEVER TOLD ANYONE ABOUT IT!!!!!! NOW LISTEn UP, I KNOW I'm RIGHT AND IF EVER, SOMEONE IS EXPERIENCING THE SAME THING AS I AM :: BRACE YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!!! AND FOR YOU FUCKERS WHO'S JUST GONNA LAuGH ABOUT IT, WELL LAUGH THIS: FUCK OFF.

hh...
I always knew that his simple flaws is what kept me sane, for I know that I love to help him to phase out the flaws.. I'd love to maintain him.. and to know that he'd be grateful and making me happy, for that, I'll love him. Relationships are about filling each other's empty spots, I just happened to found my spot in him, but he didn't in me...

Truthfully my head is still trying to surpress the things that my heart still aches... I'm just... relaxing and betting it out as i said......... I hope he finds someone who's so much better than I am..... I can only wish the best for him now......

Ganbatte ne..... atashi mo yo.. ^_^


Nel

OCTOBER, 14th 2004, Oh...... look what happened.... 2 months....
Thursday 15:24 PM
Winamp : Jet - Look What You've Done
Mood : I'm seriously in between things, really.


Let's see...... I seriously don't know where to start....... Ok let's make this quick then... I came back to Malay around August (Is that correct? To lazy to check up) I moved to a new condominium called Cyberia Smarthomes Condominum @B1-9-1... I'm with my old roomate, Putri and this new girl, who I was reluctant to move with in the beginning goes by the name Wulan...

And my life changed.......